You Hurt My Feelings (Film): A View Into The Core Image Types, Type Three
These notes from Dale: Remembering that Type 3 themes circle around avoidance of failure, protecting a successful identity, confusing work with self-worth, deception vs. truth, coaching vs. avoiding failure and disappointment.
Husband Don may be **failing** in his work too. Couple fires him and another client says at end of call “god he’s an idiot”…and at end of session he says “pointless”…. at least his memory is **failing**, and his interest in his work is **failing**. Couple wants a refund: “You don’t help.” And ask him if keeping kleenex in his basket is *bragging* about how much crying happens in his office. Sister in law *failing* at being an interior designer. Brother in law *failing* as actor. “Off my game.” Interesting metaphor we use in our culture, that it’s “a game”… Mother may be *failing* to track time and events?
Beth *is* embarrassed her son works at pot shop, always mentions he’s also writing (it's spin, or what I call impression management).
Another important theme present in film: Aging as failure to thrive, aging as failure to manage impressions.
( Identity Infantilizing—— You should not call old people adorable or cute. AND old people shouldn’t call doctors in their 30s cute either. )
Two Wing: The theme of “Helping” is also all over movie: therapist, giving homeless clothes. 3 Energy tries to protect people from disappointment and failure, by managing expectation/coaching/support. Fluffing people.
“He loves you even if he doesn’t like your work.” A hard truth for main character. Would be difficult for us all?
Actor bro in law gets fired from a show: “I’m tired of wanting validation and not getting it… I think I just wanted to become famous.”
3/6/9 Triad: This movie had me think that Type 3s put themselves out there with an individual successful identity: then life happens and they get scared and anxious in 6, and then they want to disappear 9s. This may be true for us all, yes?
Four Wing: Son Eliot reports the pressure of the press releases from his mom all through life, the “support” may have been a lie and an expectation to be extraordinary. Wasn’t a good swimmer or student, but felt pressured bc he wasn’t who his parents said he was. 3 coaching energy may seem like “encouraging” but it may set others up for failure and to feel a disappointment. Telling people that they are extraordinary and special (and privileged?) may come from the 4 wing? Fluffing people.
The mom pressures Beth to get the **best** marketer for her book , and that the last one didn’t do a good job. It’s support for Beth’s work, but also showing failure and false expectations. In the movie, each generation is experiencing this “You’re the greatest, don’t disappoint me.”
End of movie at the Pot Shop: Beth experiences **real fear (6)** which is very different than identity fear or impression management fear (3)…
Beth sees her new book with a review quote in the window and loves it, but right next to it is another book referred to as "Brilliant"... hahah!
Parents Don and Beth are in bed "evaluating" their son’s “performance” as a writer, with new knowledge on how to respond with love and appropriate support. And with new "eyes", hahahaha!
All notes below are from Deb Sharifi, certified Enneagram Trainer (Spectrum)
Good movie. Enjoyable/Funny, yet has themes worth exploring. Definitely 3 themes: image & identity via accomplishments; emphasis on “doing” , work accomplishments, efforts to accomplish. Sooo much can be explored regarding the subtle difference between being “supportive” vs dishonest. If we tell “white lies” to be supportive, are we really helping/being supportive, or are we hindering someone’s growth. How can we be honest in our comments & supportive criticism without being hurtful? Do we have honest images of ourselves and do we promote that in others? Or are we faking it to avoid confrontation or hurting someone’s feelings? Are we being “real”? Can we see our and others’ value in something other than their/our accomplishments?
◦ Beth says to Don “I just really wanted you to like my book”. Don tells Beth “I love you. I don’t care if I like your book. You are not your book,”Some notes.
◦ Lying about accomplishments occurred when people were really just trying to be loving, supporting. Mistook their partner/child’s goodness for an accomplishment
Actor friend: “I'm done with acting. I’m tired of wanting validation and never getting it”. As if he only gets validation through his acting.
Beth’s Son: “You’re always expecting the best from me” Beth: “You’re welcome?!” Son: reminds her that she said he was a great swimmer when he really wasn’t. He gets mad at her for not being honest with him and making him think he was better than he was.
Themes of reality/non-reality; truth vs image; value via accomplishment, supportiveness at odds with falsehoods or embellishments of truth
“Fluffing” people and self.
◦ Patients accuse Don therapist of creating image of his practice by never emptying his trash can. Accused him of bragging that there’s a lot of crying in there. Lol They ask him for a refund LOL
Theme: authenticity vs image
Beth: “I just need his approval”
Also sister admits she doesn’t always think husband’s acting is good but says it anyway— deceit and caring for one’s or another’s image
Beth: “How could he respect me if he doesn’t like my WORK??”
Chameleon: being what you think someone wants
Sing what you think someone needs vs honesty; image; “fluffing” of self & others vs truth
Question it brings up: How can we/do we value others and ourself? In what do we see value? How can we appreciate others? What do we take pride in? How do you fluff self and others, and how can we promote honesty, reality, and offer constructive criticism while being supportive, empathetic, encouraging? How much stock do we place in the opinions of others on our value, accomplishments vs other traits/qualities, etc
These notes from Dale: Remembering that Type 3 themes circle around avoidance of failure, protecting a successful identity, confusing work with self-worth, deception vs. truth, coaching vs. avoiding failure and disappointment.
Husband Don may be **failing** in his work too. Couple fires him and another client says at end of call “god he’s an idiot”…and at end of session he says “pointless”…. at least his memory is **failing**, and his interest in his work is **failing**. Couple wants a refund: “You don’t help.” And ask him if keeping kleenex in his basket is *bragging* about how much crying happens in his office. Sister in law *failing* at being an interior designer. Brother in law *failing* as actor. “Off my game.” Interesting metaphor we use in our culture, that it’s “a game”… Mother may be *failing* to track time and events?
Beth *is* embarrassed her son works at pot shop, always mentions he’s also writing (it's spin, or what I call impression management).
Another important theme present in film: Aging as failure to thrive, aging as failure to manage impressions.
( Identity Infantilizing—— You should not call old people adorable or cute. AND old people shouldn’t call doctors in their 30s cute either. )
Two Wing: The theme of “Helping” is also all over movie: therapist, giving homeless clothes. 3 Energy tries to protect people from disappointment and failure, by managing expectation/coaching/support. Fluffing people.
“He loves you even if he doesn’t like your work.” A hard truth for main character. Would be difficult for us all?
Actor bro in law gets fired from a show: “I’m tired of wanting validation and not getting it… I think I just wanted to become famous.”
3/6/9 Triad: This movie had me think that Type 3s put themselves out there with an individual successful identity: then life happens and they get scared and anxious in 6, and then they want to disappear 9s. This may be true for us all, yes?
Four Wing: Son Eliot reports the pressure of the press releases from his mom all through life, the “support” may have been a lie and an expectation to be extraordinary. Wasn’t a good swimmer or student, but felt pressured bc he wasn’t who his parents said he was. 3 coaching energy may seem like “encouraging” but it may set others up for failure and to feel a disappointment. Telling people that they are extraordinary and special (and privileged?) may come from the 4 wing? Fluffing people.
The mom pressures Beth to get the **best** marketer for her book , and that the last one didn’t do a good job. It’s support for Beth’s work, but also showing failure and false expectations. In the movie, each generation is experiencing this “You’re the greatest, don’t disappoint me.”
End of movie at the Pot Shop: Beth experiences **real fear (6)** which is very different than identity fear or impression management fear (3)…
Beth sees her new book with a review quote in the window and loves it, but right next to it is another book referred to as "Brilliant"... hahah!
Parents Don and Beth are in bed "evaluating" their son’s “performance” as a writer, with new knowledge on how to respond with love and appropriate support. And with new "eyes", hahahaha!
All notes below are from Deb Sharifi, certified Enneagram Trainer (Spectrum)
Good movie. Enjoyable/Funny, yet has themes worth exploring. Definitely 3 themes: image & identity via accomplishments; emphasis on “doing” , work accomplishments, efforts to accomplish. Sooo much can be explored regarding the subtle difference between being “supportive” vs dishonest. If we tell “white lies” to be supportive, are we really helping/being supportive, or are we hindering someone’s growth. How can we be honest in our comments & supportive criticism without being hurtful? Do we have honest images of ourselves and do we promote that in others? Or are we faking it to avoid confrontation or hurting someone’s feelings? Are we being “real”? Can we see our and others’ value in something other than their/our accomplishments?
◦ Beth says to Don “I just really wanted you to like my book”. Don tells Beth “I love you. I don’t care if I like your book. You are not your book,”Some notes.
◦ Lying about accomplishments occurred when people were really just trying to be loving, supporting. Mistook their partner/child’s goodness for an accomplishment
Actor friend: “I'm done with acting. I’m tired of wanting validation and never getting it”. As if he only gets validation through his acting.
Beth’s Son: “You’re always expecting the best from me” Beth: “You’re welcome?!” Son: reminds her that she said he was a great swimmer when he really wasn’t. He gets mad at her for not being honest with him and making him think he was better than he was.
Themes of reality/non-reality; truth vs image; value via accomplishment, supportiveness at odds with falsehoods or embellishments of truth
“Fluffing” people and self.
◦ Patients accuse Don therapist of creating image of his practice by never emptying his trash can. Accused him of bragging that there’s a lot of crying in there. Lol They ask him for a refund LOL
Theme: authenticity vs image
Beth: “I just need his approval”
Also sister admits she doesn’t always think husband’s acting is good but says it anyway— deceit and caring for one’s or another’s image
Beth: “How could he respect me if he doesn’t like my WORK??”
Chameleon: being what you think someone wants
Sing what you think someone needs vs honesty; image; “fluffing” of self & others vs truth
Question it brings up: How can we/do we value others and ourself? In what do we see value? How can we appreciate others? What do we take pride in? How do you fluff self and others, and how can we promote honesty, reality, and offer constructive criticism while being supportive, empathetic, encouraging? How much stock do we place in the opinions of others on our value, accomplishments vs other traits/qualities, etc
- Wife in couple in therapy says she’s the one that “does everything” for husband (service; achievement; doing)
- Allows son to take donut she was bringing to her students (service?)
- The lies we tell; white lies; being what other people want/need
- People “fluffing” each other vs being totally honest and risking hurting someone’s feelings
- Black male patient telling Doc how he doesn’t want to take care of his prick father & sibling are mad at him and he doesn’t know if they really want to take care of him. Doc tells him they need to explore his relationship w/ father. Patient says there’s nothing to explore, father is a prick. Doc says we’ll talk about this more later. Patient says “thanks doc” but when he thinks he’s signed off, the patient mumbles “ugh, he’s an idiot” about the therapist. LOL
- Comments by patients about acts of service that aren’t valued
- Beth's writing being “old voice” (image?)
- Beth gets Botox but when husband checks self in mirror and comments on his aging she asks “since when are you so vain”? (Image)
- Being what someone thinks they need
- “She doing much better” (doing)
- “Let’s just try to be nice. Nice” Nice. Referring to how to treat their mom
- Beth: “I did some things that were good: my articles, my memoir” But then she wonders if he really liked her memoir
- Beth:“I just need his approval”Sister admits she doesn’t always think husband’s acting is good but says it anyway
- Authenticity
- Interesting balance between being supportive and being dishonest
- Beth can’t be honest w/ husband that she overheard him trash her book and she gets mad then when he tries to,support her and book.
- Patients accuse Don therapist of creating image of his practice by never emptying his trash can. Accused him of bragging that there’s a lot of crying in there. Lol They ask him for a refund LOL
- Do we do damage by fluffing people? By creating/maintaining or elevating their images beyond reality and creating unrealistic expectations and furthering others disappointments.
- Son: “You’re always expecting the best from me” Beth: “You’re welcome?!” Son: reminds her that she said he was a great swimmer when he really wasn’t. He gets mad at her for not being honest with him and making him think he was better than he was. A set up for failure, shame.
- “Friend: Im done with acting. I’m tired of wanting validation and never getting it”. FAILURE as a theme for THREE— avoid FAILURE in the eyes of self/others
- Lying about accomplishments occurred when people were really just trying to be loving, supporting. Mistook their partner/child’s goodness for an accomplishment
- Beth says to Don “I just really wanted you to like my book”. Don tells Beth “I love you. I don’t care if I like your book. You are not your book.” (Type Three Defense Mechanism is IDENTIFICATION— identifying with an image/goal/role)
- Note the image choice of the husband at the end of the movie...
Honesty
"Honesty is reached by the doorway of grief and loss. Where we cannot go in our mind, our memory, or our body is where we cannot be straight with another, our world, or our self. The fear of loss, in one form or another, is the motivator behind all conscious and unconscious dishonesties: all of us are born to be afraid of loss, in all its forms, all of us, at times, are haunted or overwhelmed even by the possibility of a disappearance, and all of us therefore, are but one short step away from dishonesty. Every human being dwells intimately close to a door of revelation they are afraid to pass through. Honesty lies in understanding our close and necessary relationship with not wanting to hear the truth.
The ability to speak the truth is as much the ability to describe what it is like to stand in trepidation at this door, as it is to actually go through it and become that beautifully honest spiritual warrior, equal to all circumstances, we want to become. Honesty is not the revealing of some foundational truth that gives us power over life or another or even the self, but a robust incarnation into the unknown unfolding vulnerability of existence, where we acknowledge how powerless we feel, how little we actually know, how afraid we are of not knowing and how astonished we are by the generous measure of loss that is conferred upon even the most average life.
Honesty is grounded in humility and indeed in humiliation, and in admitting exactly where we are powerless. Honesty is not found in revealing the truth, but in understanding how deeply afraid of it we are. To become honest is in effect to become fully and robustly incarnated into powerlessness. Honesty allows us to live with not knowing. We do not know the full story, we do not know where we are in the story; we do not know who ultimately, is at fault or who will carry the blame in the end. Honesty is not protection; honesty is not a weapon to keep loss and heartbreak at bay, honesty is the outer diagnostic of our ability to come to ground in reality, the hardest attainable ground of all, the place where we actually dwell, the living, breathing frontier where we are given no choice between gain or loss."
David Whyte
One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like ( Write it!) like disaster.
"Honesty is reached by the doorway of grief and loss. Where we cannot go in our mind, our memory, or our body is where we cannot be straight with another, our world, or our self. The fear of loss, in one form or another, is the motivator behind all conscious and unconscious dishonesties: all of us are born to be afraid of loss, in all its forms, all of us, at times, are haunted or overwhelmed even by the possibility of a disappearance, and all of us therefore, are but one short step away from dishonesty. Every human being dwells intimately close to a door of revelation they are afraid to pass through. Honesty lies in understanding our close and necessary relationship with not wanting to hear the truth.
The ability to speak the truth is as much the ability to describe what it is like to stand in trepidation at this door, as it is to actually go through it and become that beautifully honest spiritual warrior, equal to all circumstances, we want to become. Honesty is not the revealing of some foundational truth that gives us power over life or another or even the self, but a robust incarnation into the unknown unfolding vulnerability of existence, where we acknowledge how powerless we feel, how little we actually know, how afraid we are of not knowing and how astonished we are by the generous measure of loss that is conferred upon even the most average life.
Honesty is grounded in humility and indeed in humiliation, and in admitting exactly where we are powerless. Honesty is not found in revealing the truth, but in understanding how deeply afraid of it we are. To become honest is in effect to become fully and robustly incarnated into powerlessness. Honesty allows us to live with not knowing. We do not know the full story, we do not know where we are in the story; we do not know who ultimately, is at fault or who will carry the blame in the end. Honesty is not protection; honesty is not a weapon to keep loss and heartbreak at bay, honesty is the outer diagnostic of our ability to come to ground in reality, the hardest attainable ground of all, the place where we actually dwell, the living, breathing frontier where we are given no choice between gain or loss."
David Whyte
One Art
by Elizabeth Bishop
The art of losing isn’t hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.
Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.
I lost my mother’s watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn’t hard to master.
I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn’t a disaster.
—Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan’t have lied. It’s evident
the art of losing’s not too hard to master
though it may look like ( Write it!) like disaster.
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